IT'S SHOWTIME...

It's my time to Shine, Slay, and Show Off... Like we say in Theatre - IT'S SHOWTIME... A bit late but I'm glad I accepted things before getting vanished into the thin air in this lifetime. The fear of not being able to live a life where I'm true to myself has crippled my senses for the longest time, and the worst part is - I never acknowledged it and myself, for the majority of my life. The onus of being a 'Gooooodd Girl' for my family has weighed too heavy on my chest for the longest time, but honestly, I never cared about being the good girl but more about the people I would hurt if I become the best version of who I'm.

It won't be wrong to say that I have a tiny bit of regret but my promise to myself is to shift the focus from the past and live one day at a time and the rest of my life on my terms. Good, bad, ugly - I want to own it, flaunt it, and never shy away from it. No camouflage, no pretense, no being good - just the raw, naked version of myself. And as I realize, it might have a cost attached to it. I feel vulnerable, volatile, and insecure but I'm still up for it.

I always thought it was my job to fix everything - relationships, situations, my family, and the list goes on. Today, when I sit back and wonder, I feel it was never meant to be my job. I'm not here to fix anything, and I can't fix anything for anyone. Noooo, I can't. I'm practicing saying 'NOOO' as that's another area where I majorly need to work upon. 

Let me accept - I'm No superwoman. I'm tired, worn out, restless, and hurt... but I still have a fire burning within. The desire to do so much more, be much more, over the top, and slay everything like a Queen. Never to look back, never to be tamed down, allow no one to take my shine away, no damn person or situation can have that power on me now... Nothing...   

 

Triund Trek - My first but definitely not the last

On Day 2 of my Dharamshala trip, I woke up and had the plan to go to Dal Lake with a solo traveller and a couple who had become my friends the night before. However, my heart was pulling me towards something I hadn't done before - trekking. It was an intuitive trip and I had promised to listen to my heart alone, so I quickly got ready and went to the Zostel reception to enquire. As luck had it, there was a guy who had booked a tour guide for Triund Trek the same day, and the reception guy suggested I join him. I had no qualms and immediately agreed to it. What followed next is something that will remain tucked in my heart forever. 

The trek began from Dharamkot with the three of us as a team - Ravinder (from Zostel), Nischal (our guide), and I - an overconfident girl who didn't bother to fetch any information about the trek before signing up for it. Ravinder turned out to be a regular trekker, and I knew the poor fellow will have to bear with an amateur trekker's tantrums on the way, however, I didn't fathom the magnitude of it. The three of us began the journey, and within the first two hours, I had no second thoughts that I had taken the most disastrous decision of my life. I felt out of breath every two minutes and seriously started contemplating going back. However, in either case, I had to trek, hence, I decided to rather go up, trusting my lungs won't give up on me midway. 

The two boys turned out to be my saviour, and I thank heaven I had them with me throughout. Post knowing that a first-time trekker is accompanying him on the trek, Ravinder, the sweetest guy I came across in the whole trip, had already stocked up enough chocolates, cookies, and water. With his previous experiences, he just knew I would need it on the way to make it through but won't carry it. He was bang on. The two boys kept it light and funny, making me the butt of a joke throughout (our joke will remain personal though 😏), held my hands tight, and literally, left no stone unturned to pull me through one of the most difficult tasks I had undertaken in my whole life. Within just a few hours, we three had become a unit... That is the beauty of human life - sometimes, you know people for years, and yet they appear strangers, on the other, you just form heart-to-heart bonds with people within no time. And I only trust my heart. It never misleads me. 

In between all the huffing and puffing, and my lungs fighting with me every two minutes threatening to give up, we halted at a few beautiful spots offering breathtaking views. Strangely, every time, we just lit one cigarette that the three of us shared. So, the bottom line is, "Sutta se pyaar badta hai".

Finally, after almost 4.5 hours, we reached Triund Peak, way before sunset. According to the boys, our timing was not bad at all, looking at how it started (Courtesy - the pro trekker who was accompanying them). Now, the most crucial question is - Was it worth all the pain I had made my lungs and legs endure?). YES, YESS, and a big YEEEESSSSSSS...

Looking straight into the eyes of the snowclad Dhauladhar ranges made it all worth it. And, this is where my words are going to fail me. The joy of being on top made me thoughtless and feather-light from within. A Zen-like state we all strive to achieve most of our lives, maybe this is exactly what it feels like. The next hour was dedicated to the sunset. As it was a solar eclipse, the Sun somehow felt even more special. Again, I felt the same thoughtlessness looking at the marvel of nature. 

As the Sun set, and the cold breeze took command, I quickly got inside my tent to put on all the extra layers I was carrying. the breeze made it a bit tough and I borrowed a jacket from the guy, who was our host and cook on the top. In the meanwhile, Nischal and one other guy went down to the forest to collect logs for the campfire. Next to join us as a special guest for the evening was our bottle of Rum - and this fellow was love at first sight for all of us. Campfire, chakhna (snacks), some good music, star gazing, and two amazing friends. What in life can be better? Maybe, more such nights on mountain tops.

By 10 pm, we finished our dinner and were inside our tents. Nischal, my cutest buddy and bro made sure I was warm enough with two sleeping bags and a blanket. The tent was pretty comfortable, however, sleep eluded me throughout the night, and thoughts eroded my mind. 

Post an event-free night, I was out of the tent by 6 am to soak in the cold air and witness Mr. Sun peep from behind the mountains. Filling our bellies with a bowl of soupy Maggi and a cup of tea, we were set to trek down the hills. 

This time around, my legs felt lifeless, and started quivering. Again, my knight without any shining armour, Nischal, held my hand tight, and said, "Main hoon na, aap kyun tension le rahe ho." He was right - with him and Ravinder around, there was nothing to worry about. We reached the base within three hours of trekking and had bread, egg omelet, and tea at Shiva Cafe, a popular spot amongst tourists. I was amazed, proud, and ecstatic that I had pulled it through.

I reached my Zostel room by 1.30 pm, got freshen up, packed my bag as I was leaving the same evening for home, and rested for a while. By 4 pm, I was up in the Zostel Cafe to grab lunch and pack something to eat at night during the bus journey. Ravinder, who also had to leave for Delhi the same evening, was in the cafe, too. We took the same cab for Dharamshala from where our buses would depart. 

Again, knowing the condition of my legs, this awesome guy pulled my luggage to the bus stand, saying, " Apko khich liya too yeh too aapka luggage hi hai." After chatting for some time, we bid adieu to each other with the promise to catch up soon in Dehradun, my temporary abode on Earth.

My bus arrived 2 hours later than the scheduled time but the rest of the ride was comfortable and I reached Dehradun by 7.30 am. My real knight again not in shining armour - my husband - was there to pick me up. Post a trip, people go back home, and I just go back to this man, I call my home. The only one who keeps me sane amidst all the insanity of the world, silently... 

  

    

 

  

Left a piece of my heart in the mountains...

The heart doesn't know any calculations, it's always the mind. So, keeping the mind and its logic aside, I decided to follow my heart and it took me 5 minutes to book my Zostel dorm in Dharamshala. Never travelled solo, never stayed in a dorm, and never planned a trip so quickly... but that's how it is when you just flow with no holds barred. It was an overnight journey from Dehradun and I was in a place I knew no one and no one knew me. During check-in, I realised I have to share the dorm with 5 boys. Little apprehensive, I asked for a single room. However, post my interaction with a fellow solo traveller in the Zostel cafe, I decided to check into the dorm and I thank heaven for that. 

So, the same fellow solo traveller, who was checking out the same evening, offered to show the town around on foot. A doctor by profession, the guy talked about his profession as a urologist in such a candid manner, I couldn't help but laugh throughout. Never thought medical talks about life and death can also be humorous. In the meanwhile, he ended up sharing everything about his life, and love life (yeah! a fucked up one), and asked for my opinion (It's another thing that my relationship ideas are seemingly weird and don't really work in the conventional world), it was nice to know a stranger with no strings attached. I also ended up sharing a bit about my life, and we both cracked up a couple of times. 

We spent the whole day together and went to the Dalai Lama temple, the local market, Bhagsu Waterfall, a local monastery, a pub, and a café. It was nice to just walk the whole day as completely the opposite is what I do in routine. In between all the regular touristy things I did, I met a South Korean woman in the café who was travelling with her 8-year-old daughter. I just walked up to her
and the conversation that followed for the next 30 minutes was liberating. There was a lot in common between us, as women and mothers.

I came back to the Zostel by 6 pm and said bye to the doctor and wished him luck for his future adventures. As it was Diwali, and I was far away from home (Strangely, I didn't miss the mundane Diwali celebrations a bit), I gulped down a can of beer, scribbled something in the notepad, and by 7 pm, I was up in the open-roof Zostel Café surrounded by strangers wishing Happy Diwali to one another. At this point, I wanted to hug a few people who mean the world to me but I was in a different world, far away.

Sitting under the starlit sky, watching the lights in the far-off mountains with some fireworks on and off, there was a sense of calm within and my heart felt full. While I was enjoying the space, another solo traveller joined in and conversation flowed. Honestly, I was really not in the mood to talk to another stranger, so I spoke to him for some time and excused myself as quickly as I could. The overnight journey and whole day walk compelled me to call it a day as I felt exhausted. 

The next morning, I woke up and yet again, chose to follow my intuitions. And where it led me will remain etched in my heart forever. 

To be contd...     

  

The calm after a storm...

The lost vagabond has come back after a long time... and hopefully, this time around, I'll be able to continue the journey I had started a long time back. This particular blog, too, is also about a journey, an inner one - the calm after a storm. What I want to write about today is something I've craved for a long time and today, when I feel the calm within, even that craving seems blurred. How important it is to be 'emotionally available' for your partner in the journey of life that surely throws us off the road without any warning. Being 'emotionally available' for your partner is 'extremely vital' or should I say the most crucial part of a relationship. While falling into the trap of mundane life, it takes effort to nurture a relationship. And most of the time, when the craving for quality time, companionship, love, conversations, flirtatious glare, and lustful touch is loop-sided, the suffering of the one who is craving for all of these and more, eats up the person bit by bit, every day, every moment. 

The one mistake many of us do once in a committed relationship is taking it for granted and pausing every attempt to nurture the once most special part of one's life. It's like when we plant a sapling, we water it, give it fodder, take utmost care of it, and one fine day when it grows into a lush green tree, we stop paying any heed to it, as we assume that it doesn't require anything and can sustain on its own. And one fine day, there is a storm and before we realise, the tree gets uprooted, without a warning. A human being, no matter at what stage of his/her life, requires every bit of nurturing and love in abundance. Or else, one day it's bound to wither, without a warning.

So, today, as I've resumed the journey of self-love post a long hiatus, I promise to give myself all the nurturing I always sought outside. Today, I say sorry to myself whom I've ignored for the longest time. Let me tell you, "I love you". Thank you for bearing with me all this while when I was unavailable for you... you are the best and you should know it... Let's begin... all over again... the journey of a vagabond.